Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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