I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
