My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I love having hate sex.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
