the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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