I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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