you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
