i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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