when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
