She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
