I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
