I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
