I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
