called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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