Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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