i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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