This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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