I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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