Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
