I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
