Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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