What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
