i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
