hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
