i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
