she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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