I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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