We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
