Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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