sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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