I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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