new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
