my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
