she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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