i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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