Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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