Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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