update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize