when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
