Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
