Your mouth is God's brothel.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
