At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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