Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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