my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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