My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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