roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
