my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
