I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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