tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
