The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
