You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
