i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
