when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
