Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
