i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
