I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
