Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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