Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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