I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
