I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
